Humor

[Jay #1]

I've heard tell that these are true announcements on planes. I've also personally heard and seen weirder stuff than this.

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

2. Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

7. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

16. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

17. After landing Captain announces “Another typical American Airline landing; shiny side up, rubber side down.”

[Ken Valentine]

I've heard tell that these are true announcements on planes. I've also personally heard and seen weirder stuff than this.

<Snip>



Those are good Jay, thanks!

Ken V.

[Ken Valentine]

For those who feel only love for the way computers have enriched our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the automobile industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (I love this part):

1. For no reason whatever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the road for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Ocasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in unless you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

Ken V.

[Biggles]

For those who feel only love for the way computers have enriched our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the automobile industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (I love this part):

1. For no reason whatever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the road for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Ocasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in unless you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

Ken V.

Ken,

On this one I have to agree with Bill Gates. One of the finest cars I ever had was a '73 Datsun 240Z, which I purchased used from a frat brother in '79. I know (because my brother bought one new in '73) that they listed at $4300 when new. Why should I pay $30,000+ for a 350Z now? If anything, an equivalent car should cost less and be better, faster, and safer. At a minimum, I should be able to buy the same value of car at the same price (as in '73), without having to factor in inflation. Say whatever you want about computer geeks, but nobody matches them in productivity. The auto industry is a disgrace (in every country). I refuse to buy a new car because they aren't worth even a fraction of the asking price.

[Biggles]

For those who feel only love for the way computers have enriched our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the automobile industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (I love this part):

1. For no reason whatever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the road for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and! reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Ocasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in unless you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

Ken V.


BTW, as long as I'm venting, GM hasn't built a REAL car since 1967.

[Ken Valentine]

Ken,

On this one I have to agree with Bill Gates. One of the finest cars I ever had was a '73 Datsun 240Z, which I purchased used from a frat brother in '79. I know (because my brother bought one new in '73) that they listed at $4300 when new. Why should I pay $30,000+ for a 350Z now? If anything, an equivalent car should cost less and be better, faster, and safer. At a minimum, I should be able to buy the same value of car at the same price (as in '73), without having to factor in inflation. Say whatever you want about computer geeks, but nobody matches them in productivity. The auto industry is a disgrace (in every country). I refuse to buy a new car because they aren't worth even a fraction of the asking price.

This was a humor topic Biggles, but I do understand what you're saying. It's not the automobile manufacturers who are to blame as much as politicians.

In 1967, I could buy a brand new Jaguar XKE coupe -- including tax, license, and registration for $5,984! The actual list price of the car was $5,775.

Ten years later, I bought a Datsun B-210 hatchback for a total price of $5,986!

During that ten year interval, the sales tax had gone from 2% to 6% -- it had tripled!

The Datsun also had gummymint mandated high impact bumpers, a catalytic converter which used platinum for the catalyst, and all manner of government mandated smog devices. The actual manufacturing cost of those smog devices is rather small by comparison to the overall cost of the car, but the research and development costs -- especially with gummymint mandated deadlines -- is staggering!

And this doesn't take into account all the taxes that are built into the price, not to mention the increasing costs of complying with gummymint mandated paperwork.

A few years ago someone did an investigation into how much of the sticker price was represented by taxes. The example used was a 1988 Fnord Taurus, which had a sticker price at that time of 17,000 dollars.

SEVEN THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS OF THAT STICKER PRICE WAS TAX! (Not to mention the additional sales tax you paid on those taxes.)

Eliminate the taxes, and the car would have cost $9,350. And that still doesn't take into consideration the costs of regulation, which I imagine would reduce the sticker price by another 25-30 percent . . . maybe more!

When you consider that only about fifteen percent of federal revenue comes from the income tax, you begin to see where they get the rest of it.

Bog help us if the gummymint ever finds an excuse to "regulate" the computer industry.

Ken V.
Have you driven a Fnord lately?

Advertisement I'd like to see: "Chevy trucks -- built Ford tough!"

[Ken Valentine]

BTW, as long as I'm venting, GM hasn't built a REAL car since 1967.

Yep! '68 was when the gummymint really started to "regulate" the automobile industry.

Ken V.

[Biggles]

Yep! '68 was when the gummymint really started to "regulate" the automobile industry.

Ken V.


Then later came the "cataclysmic contorter".

[Biggles]

This was a humor topic Biggles, but I do understand what you're saying. It's not the automobile manufacturers who are to blame as much as politicians.

In 1967, I could buy a brand new Jaguar XKE coupe -- including tax, license, and registration for $5,984! The actual list price of the car was $5,775.

Ten years later, I bought a Datsun B-210 hatchback for a total price of $5,986!

During that ten year interval, the sales tax had gone from 2% to 6% -- it had tripled!

The Datsun also had gummymint mandated high impact bumpers, a catalytic converter which used platinum for the catalyst, and all manner of government mandated smog devices. The actual manufacturing cost of those smog devices is rather small by comparison to the overall cost of the car, but the research and development costs -- especially with gummymint mandated deadlines -- is staggering!

And this doesn't take into account all the taxes that are built into the price, not to mention the increasing costs of complying with gummymint mandated paperwork.

A few years ago someone did an investigation into how much of the sticker price was represented by taxes. The example used was a 1988 Fnord Taurus, which had a sticker price at that time of 17,000 dollars.

SEVEN THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED FIFTY DOLLARS OF THAT STICKER PRICE WAS TAX! (Not to mention the additional sales tax you paid on those taxes.)

Eliminate the taxes, and the car would have cost $9,350. And that still doesn't take into consideration the costs of regulation, which I imagine would reduce the sticker price by another 25-30 percent . . . maybe more!

When you consider that only about fifteen percent of federal revenue comes from the income tax, you begin to see where they get the rest of it.

Bog help us if the gummymint ever finds an excuse to "regulate" the computer industry.

Ken V.
Have you driven a Fnord lately?

Advertisement I'd like to see: "Chevy trucks -- built Ford tough!"

On reflection, maybe I was a wee bit harsh on the car companies, but I still think they could be more efficient.

I do agree with you though that government is the root of all evil.

[Ken Valentine]

On reflection, maybe I was a wee bit harsh on the car companies, but I still think they could be more efficient.


Sure they could, but you have to get rid of the Unions in order to do it, and that's a pretty tall order.


I do agree with you though that government is the root of all evil.


"Government is based on self-deception, and self-deception is the root of all evil."
Ken V.

[Jay #1]

I like that better than the old saying "money is the root of all evil". Who created the money?

Sure they could, but you have to get rid of the Unions in order to do it, and that's a pretty tall order.





"Government is based on self-deception, and self-deception is the root of all evil."
Ken V.

[Ken Valentine]

I like that better than the old saying "money is the root of all evil". Who created the money?

Thanks Jay, that's one of my own.

As far as money is concerned, I like Ayn Rand's answer to that question best. (Going from memory here.)

Money is a tool of exchange which cannot exist unless there are goods produced, and men who are able to produce them. Money is the material shape behind the principle which states that people who wish to deal with one another must deal by trade, and give value for value. Money is not the tool of moochers who claim your product by tears, or of looters who take it from you by force. Money is made possible by men who produce -- each according to his own ability.

It goes on, but that is all I can remember at the moment. She effectively proves that money is the root of all GOOD! And the evil lies only in the methods some people use to get it.

Ken V.

[jimbow8]

But the correct saying is NOT that money is the root of all evil. The CORECT saying is that "The love of money is the root of all evil." This you can make a case for.

My personal opinion would be that PRIDE is the root of all evil.

[Ken Valentine]

But the correct saying is NOT that money is the root of all evil. The CORECT saying is that "The love of money is the root of all evil." This you can make a case for.

My personal opinion would be that PRIDE is the root of all evil.

JIM MADE A TYPO, JIM MADE A TYPO! (It's so rare, I just HAD to point it out. :D )

Rand defends that aspect of money as well, by saying, "To love a thing is to know and love its nature." If I can remember long enough to do it, I'll have to dig out the speech and present it to you.

How is pride the root of all evil? Maybe we are defining the term differently, but I don't see it.

Ken V.

[jimbow8]

JIM MADE A TYPO, JIM MADE A TYPO! (It's so rare, I just HAD to point it out. :D )
I had to read a couple times to even catch it, Ken. :)

How is pride the root of all evil? Maybe we are defining the term differently, but I don't see it.
1. The quality or state of being proud; inordinate self-esteem; an unreasonable conceit of one's own superiority in talents, beauty, wealth, rank, etc., which manifests itself in lofty airs, distance, reserve, and often in contempt of others.
2. A sense of one's own worth, and abhorrence of what is beneath or unworthy of one.
3. Proud or disdainful behavior or treatment; insolence or arrogance of demeanor; haughty bearing and conduct; insolent exultation; disdain.

Basically, PRIDE as superiority/haughtiness. Pride has been said to be the root of all of the "Seven Deadly Sins" of Pride (obviously), Lust, Anger, Envy, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth. (I don't honestly remember the gluttony and sloth connections, but one can make a good argument for the others.)

[Ken Valentine]

1. The quality or state of being proud; inordinate self-esteem; an unreasonable conceit of one's own superiority in talents, beauty, wealth, rank, etc., which manifests itself in lofty airs, distance, reserve, and often in contempt of others.
2. A sense of one's own worth, and abhorrence of what is beneath or unworthy of one.
3. Proud or disdainful behavior or treatment; insolence or arrogance of demeanor; haughty bearing and conduct; insolent exultation; disdain.

Basically, PRIDE as superiority/haughtiness. Pride has been said to be the root of all of the "Seven Deadly Sins" of Pride (obviously), Lust, Anger, Envy, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth. (I don't honestly remember the gluttony and sloth connections, but one can make a good argument for the others.)


In addition to what you have written, my dictionary also defines it as:

2) "proper respect for oneself; sense of one's own dignity or worth; self respect. Delight or satisfaction in one's own achievements.

"Inordinate" and "unreasonable" is definitely a flaw. But "proper" isn't. The dictionary defines it both ways. :confused:

3) A gaggle of lions. :D

Ken :( V.

[jimbow8]

Well, it can have either meaning but not at the same time. Look at it this way: with greed, it is pride that makes you think that you deserve everything; with envy, pride makes you think that you deserve something morethan someone else; with anger, pride makes you think you are superior to someone else; etc.

When it is just respect and self-confidence, it is fine, but when it leads to thinking yourself superior, it becomes a problem.

At least this is the way I look at it.

[Ken Valentine]

Well, it can have either meaning but not at the same time. Look at it this way: with greed, it is pride that makes you think that you deserve everything; with envy, pride makes you think that you deserve something morethan someone else; with anger, pride makes you think you are superior to someone else; etc.

When it is just respect and self-confidence, it is fine, but when it leads to thinking yourself superior, it becomes a problem.

At least this is the way I look at it.

I can't argue with that analysis, but you're combining pride with other things. Pride with greed, (which I define as an inordinate desire for the unearned) pride with envy, pride with anger, and another one; pride with arrogance.

Taken by itself -- which is where our disagreement began -- I don't think pride is a problem. Personally, I would describe pride as the pleasure you take in your achievements and the creation of your character.

As another combination, it is truly said that alcohol and gasoline don't mix, but gasoline straight ain't bad. :D

Ken V.

[Scott Miller]

My personal opinion would be that PRIDE is the root of all evil.[/QUOTE]

I'll give my wife the credit for saying that insecurity is the root of all evil.

Scott

[Ken Valentine]

"I may be Blonde, but I'm not stupid!"

"Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

"Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I'm automatically stupid.

"So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking salesman had told me last year . . . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

"There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I haven't heard back."

Ken V.